Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Advice from Mom

Keep your hands away from your face.

Don't pick at it.

Smile, Miss Dear.

Pull your shoulders back.

Sit up straight.

Always have some green on the plate.

Wait for the boy to call you.

If you take hours in the bathroom, eventually your date will leave you.

Walk after dinner.

Coffee creates mood swings.

Sugar ruins your skin.

Eat more protein.

You can get water for free from the drinking fountain.

Don't be jealous of skills that other girls have. Each person gets something.

When in doubt, buy the next size up.

Don't get in a power struggle with a boy. Let him have his own way. You do things your way when you're not with him.

Blot--BLOT--don't rub.

When in doubt, a big smile will get you a long way.

Comb that hair, Miss Dear.

STAND UP STRAIGHT, sweetie! How will people see your beautiful figure if you slouch?

This idea copied blatantly from Maggeh, who besides having the coolest name in the world, is a genius.

5 comments:

Anna Banana said...

Advice from Mommy Helen:

It's not what you say, it's how you say it.

Never EVER use regular body lotion on your face. You don't want to break out, do you?

It doesn't matter how much you eat, just what you eat. (Ehhh, not so much, Mom!)

The best part of a dog is the warm, soft spot between his nose and his lip.

Use a brush on dry hair and a wide-tooth comb on wet hair.

People will always and only engage in behavior that "pays off" for them.

Don't pound up and down the stairs like a herd of elephants.

Aarwenn said...

Anna, that last one had me breaking out into peals of laughter! Thank you! And tell Mommy Helen I said hi.

Anna said...

here's another one for you:

Fat looks better when it's tan.

Problem is, I didn't inherit the tanning gene! :)

ASB

l-t said...

Things my Father Taught Me

The measurement of my finger from the tip to the first joint is 1 inch...depth for planting peas.
The measurement to the second joint is 2 inches...depth for corn.
Return borrowed things in better shape than when you borrowed them.
There are two types of trouble...one is the trouble you knowingly walk into, the other is trouble that just happens...it's important to know the difference.
Walk softly but carry a big stick.
if you have to use said stick, make sure who you use it on, doesn't get up.
Grits is good.
Foul language is a sign of a limited vocabulary
Orion, the Big and Little Dippers.
Everyone is a friend until proven otherwise.
Licorice ferns, huckleberries, nettles, sword ferns.
Tabasco won't kill you even if you eat it by the spoonfull.
Don't watch the clock when you're at work.
Fish can see you if you look over the side of the boat.
Fish can hear you if you talk to loud.
Respect the elders.
Never go to bed angry.
That which does not kill you will hurt like the dickens, but it will make you stronger.
Family is the most important thing on earth.
How to play the guitar, spoons, mouth harp, and water filled bottles.
The true meaning of "Self Made Man"
If you don't know something, go to the library and learn it.
The phrases "I don't know", "I forgot", or "I tried (and failed)" are excuses.
There is a difference between an excuse and a reason, know the difference.
Take care of your apperance...even if it is just a t-shirt and jeans.
The world can change everything about you, except your point of view...unless you allow it to.

David L. McDonald
born 1936-passed 2008
precious father
beloved husband
A right good fellow.

Anonymous said...

This is a combo of the more entertaining things from my parents:

Hang out with pretty girls, you'll get leftovers.

Don't fucking swear.

They'll all be picking up your trash someday.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Be with someone who loves you just a little more than you love them. (well, not so funny, but advice you don't hear every day)

Long hair is for little girls.

Your husband will leave you if you get fat.

The majority of people care much more about how you look than what you say. (funny because it's true)

Go to Harvard for your MBA, become an investment banker. (Funny, because I was in kindergarten)

You're worth every fucking penny.

And, the best thing I ever learned, which my mom hammered home one day when I was in first grade:

It doesn't matter how smart you are, the most important thing in the world is how nice a person is.