Monday, May 31, 2010

Overheard at Olivar's

A heavier young man in black frame glasses sits with a gray haired lady. It becomes clear that he is, in fact, her son, and they are both from the East Coast and she is here to visit him, as he has apparently just moved here.

(In regards to some work she is doing.) "Well, you can use my computer any time this weekend, Mother...although I don't know how you'll access your files." Black Frame Glasses says loudly.

"I carry them around with me on this flash drive on my key chain," she murmurs.

He gasps. "You DO? That's not safe! Anyone could just pick that up and download all your important information!"

"It's encrypted," she says.

"Oh? OH! Encrypted, eh? Oh, that's good. That's a good thing that you did that. As long as there's no way anyone can break it."

The waiter arrives.

"Now, Mother, you have to let me order for you. Yes, you do, you're a lady!"

He turns to the waiter. "The LADY will have..."

I silently judge behind my coffee. You will not do well in this town of tech-savvy feminists, Black Frame Glasses. Your mother may be used to putting up with your peculiar mix of idiocy and self-importance, but we are not, and furthermore, have no desire to become so. You will do better in the mid-size East Coast town you are undoubtedly from. Please return there.

Also, you shout.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My Friends Are Funny, Too

Chalie: "I heard a TV newscaster say, the other day: 'I'm told they plan on baiting the bear trap with Krispy Kremes & stinky fish.'"

Me: "Oh?"

Chalie: "I figure that trap ensnares just as many middle-school-ers as it does bears."

John: "Maybe they should just bait the trap with middle-school-ers."

Me: "Would that be like killing two birds with one stone?"

Chalie: "No, that would be like killing two stoners with one bear."

Thursday Afternoon Groove

This song's been in my head for weeks.

After that one, definitely watch this one:

Oh, Sam Cooke. MR. SAM COOKE, ladies and gentlemen.

If you have even one second more of free time, you should for sure listen to, "A Change is Gonna Come", "Another Saturday Night", and "Chain Gang". A Change Is Gonna Come, especially, makes my blood run cold every time I hear it.

And, if you've ever listened to a hip hop song and liked it, you are REQUIRED to familiarize yourself with The Clapping Song, just so you can look nobby in front of hip hop nerds.

AND, finally, a more modern blues song:

AND, one of THE most powerful songs from my childhood, and one of the most powerful, emotional songs about school shootings, ever:

(Can you guess what it is? If you're from my generation, you know it for sure...)

(Make sure you have tissue.)

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

West Coast Versus East Coast

Much has already been said about this, and surely a few more words can’t hurt.

I was with Blond from New Jersey just a few days ago. We were in downtown Seattle, looking for a parking spot in front of Pike Place Market, at 3:30 pm on a Saturday, and anyone reading this who has spent any amount of time here already knows that that is…pretty difficult.

Most of West Coast life is pretty relaxed compared to the huge amounts of effort it takes to even buy a cup of coffee in NYC, for example, but looking for street parking at Seattle’s biggest tourist attraction at prime time can tend to rachett up the heart rate a little bit. Blond from New Jersey and myself were unfazed. I saw a parking spot open up at 1st and Pine, and she cut easily across two lanes of traffic, stopped, reversed—everything you’d need to do to suddenly parallel park on a city street. At rush hour. And everyone just…went around her. There were a few polite honks. We looked at each other.

“This is so…easy!” She said.

“For real,” I said. “On the East Coast, someone would have already insulted your mother.”