Monday, June 29, 2009

Balance and the Girl In the Mirror

Man, trying to maintain sanity in a relationship is WEIRD.

I spent all weekend--literally, from Friday evening until Monday morning--with AZ, and it was...good, yes. Definitely good. But definitely a lot of time.

It never felt like TOO MUCH time. Nor did I want him to leave. (I would have just said so.) In fact, it was surprisingly comfortable. But it was definitely...odd.

I'm having a hard time pinning down what, exactly, was so odd about it. Maybe it's just that it's been awhile since I had a boyfriend--almost a year, to be exact--and I'm not used to having someone else in my space. But it didn't bother me. Maybe THAT was what was odd--I expected to feel more smothered and didn't. Maybe it's that having a boy in my space constantly would normally send me down a twisted pathway of "OMG THIS IS SO SERIOUS DOES HE LOVE ME? HOW ABOUT NOW? WHAT IF I FARTED? DAMMIT, I JUST DID--DID HE HEAR THAT? DOES HE NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE?"

But not this weekend. That might have been because we had some time apart--through accident, he went to see a movie without me one night, and I ran some errands by myself the next night--or it might have been because we're comfortable with each other, which is true, or it might have been because I'm working hard on keeping myself in an optimistic and self-confident headspace.

BARF. I'm sorry for that last sentence. That was terrible. But it's true. I can get wound around my own axle very quickly if I'm not constantly told by those around me how awesome I am. And even though they SHOULD be, because I AM, it's unfair to expect my friends and loved ones to spend an hour every day telling me how great I am.

Although obviously there's no better use of their time.

But seriously, they could probably be using that hour for other things, like surfing the internet, matching their socks, watching water evaporate from the sink, whatever. Until I become rich and famous enough to have an entourage, I'll have to have actual friends instead of yes-men, and my actual friends have their own lives and needs, which don't include only meeting MY needs. So I've been working on reminding myself that really, I don't need cheerleaders all the time. I can remind myself that I'm pretty or a catch or smart or an exercising machine. Having a great boyfriend or a great circle of friends only goes so far. If I can't conquer the girl in the mirror, I'll never be comfortable in my own skin.

Stupid BITCHY girl in the mirror.

ANYWAY. Some more thoughts about balance in a relationship:

Up until this weekend, I'd say I would normally agree with Maggie Mason and NOT with the other ladies in the video. After this weekend, I'm thinking that a few outside interests can be helpful for blowing off steam. The kicker: I always want to know that I'm number one. AZ wants to email other girls, fine. When he starts ignoring me to answer his email, THEN we have a problem. And this could change depending on the relationship--at six months, sure, keep those outside interests going. At engagement time, I'd better be the only one.


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