Nosebleeds

Dear Blog, I hate nosebleeds. Not the occasional bloody snot--that happens--but the huge, fire-hose type nosebleeds, the kind that tie you to a sink or tub, anywhere that can be cleaned easily, You sit there, holding your nose, as your life force drips out of you, huge drip by huge drip. You count drips. You count sheep. Your fingers begin to cramp. You pray for time to pass more quickly.

Nosebleeds, whenever they happen, are always at the MOST inconvenient time ever. Your nose never starts to bleed when you're sitting in front of your computer, bored. They start when you're in the shower, late for a date already, and then forced to stand in your bathroom for an hour while your nose takes its sweet time clotting. I once got one in a very dark bar with black napkins, which means that no one noticed, not even me--I just assumed my nose was running--as I was dabbing my nose, until I happened to look at T-Town and her eyes were the size of saucers. "You have blood all over your face," she said quietly. Making a discreet exit to the bathroom is difficult under these circumstances. More difficult, though, is stopping a nosebleed when your blood is as thin as water after a couple of drinks. Forty-five minutes later, T-Town came to check on me and as she opened the door, another patron walked by and turned to look at the blood-soaked bathroom in horror. "I'm not a coke whore," I said, trying to allay suspicion. Shockingly, though, mentioning the words "coke whore" to a random stranger is NOT the way to reassure them.

I got a monster one while I was moving two years ago, and I just had one today. I sat at the sink and hoped I wouldn't run out of toilet paper, because I wouldn't be able to go to the linen closet and get more. My mother is susceptible to them as well, although it's different for her--lighter, more frequent. Me, I have no idea why they happen. Stress? I'm not really under stress, and I had an easy, if weird, day. My bank teller hit on me and gave me his card, and the guy at the diner gave me free breakfast. Not a difficult day. And yet, the nosebleed.