Modern Conveniences

"So there I was, cruising down East Marginal on the phone," I said, "and of course it was boiling hot yesterday and I had to close the windows because I was on the phone."

"Uh huh," said Helpful Friend.

"And because I'm on AT&T (nice choice, B) the connection kept dropping."

"Uh huh."

"So I'd lose the connection, shout, 'HELLO!' for several minutes, then give up, hang up with my chin, roll down the window, let the phone drop off my shoulder, and crack open the side triangle, which is the only way I ever get any cross breeze in that car."

"Uh huh."

"And THEN the person would call back, so I'd pick up, say, 'Hang on,' glue my chin to the phone to my ear, roll up the window, close the side triangle, and pick up again, shifting with my glued-in-place-elbow, saying, 'Okay.'"

"How were you steering? With your imaginary third elbow?"

"Steering?"

"Oh Lord," said the Helpful Friend. "Uh, couldn't you just wait until you were somewhere, you know, stationary, before calling people back?"

"No. Everyone calling me was at least three levels above me in org charts. [President of my Company] is only six levels above me total."

"How many times did your phone ring yesterday?"

"About 25."

"TWENTY FIVE!"

"Yes."

Silence.

"Okay, I have two things to say," said Helpful Friend. "One, I am never, ever, riding with you again, at least until you get a goddammed EAR PIECE for that phone. Seriously. You now have a job in which Boeing executives call you on a regular basis. Get. An. Earpiece."

"Okay..."

"...and two, did you know that modern cars have power windows?"

"What?"

"And...air conditioning?"

Me: "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE."

Helpful Friend: "True story."