Need Your Helping of Snark for the Day?

What a coincidence! Because I have just found it:

It's not, like, rocket science.

And yes, I am PROUD to be a part of this snark helping.

In addition, check out the "blog".

It's Been a Week AGAIN??

Don't think I haven't been blogging! I have been, and I've been flamed and insulted and gotten in arguments with people, and you can read all about it on the other blog, specifically this post and this post, and also this LOOOOONG post if you really care that much.

A week ago today, I ran home after work and packed to attend my cousin's wedding in Sacramento, i.e., to meet her bridesmaids, which I'd never met, and stay at the house of family, which I loved, and find something to do for myself on Saturday night with said bridesmaids I'd never met. As I am rather extroverted as a person--no, really! I am!--this turned out well. About the time I was revving a new manual Toyota Celica in 70 degree sunshine on Saturday afternoon, I thought, "Can't I do this every day?" The Toyota Celica belonged to my new best friend Julia, my cousin Amanda's maid of honor and an even faster driver than myself. Most of her own friends--including my cousin--refused to ride with her. I didn't blink an eye, of course, having pushed the limits of cars myself, and we tooled around California and bought iced coffee and sang Christmas Carols--she's a piano player--and when she asked me if I wanted to go out salsa dancing that night, I said, "DO I??"

Which is how I ended up in someone's VIP party at 3:00 in the morning, drinking champagne out of the bottle on the table and suddenly looking at my phone and finding Julia and screaming in her ear, "I have to be at the airport in an hour and a half!" Needless to say, no, I did not get any sleep. For the third day in a row. Fortunately, when the LT picked me up at the airport, he was just as sleep-deprived (read: hungover) as I was. We rode in relative silence. (And he brought me COFFEE. Such a sweetie.)

Fun quotes from the weekend: when I arrived in Sac-town, having gone to bed at 1:50 am and woken up at 4:00 am, Amanda's bridesmaids expressed the opinion that I was crazy or possibly on uppers. As I was chugging my second Triple Soy Cinnamon Dolce Latte of the day, after three cups of black coffee and a shot in the dark, Amanda said, "Well, she's always like this, so I guess...both." Three days later, after four hours of sleep on Friday and zero hours of sleep on Saturday, even this energizer bunny was feeling pretty tired.

As for the driving: I still forget that riding with me is avoided by other people until I'm forcibly reminded; i.e., when driving with Nina The Former Intern. We were tooling around Georgetown, trying to find our way among the twisty back roads and dead-ends, and I kept apologizing for my last minute, shouted instructions, and she said, "No! It's okay! I have accepted the fact that whenever I drive with you in the passenger seat, my life will be in danger at some point. It's okay."

Well. If you've ACCEPTED that fact already...

...and then I was passing this story along to some work friends, including the amazing Tri-Tip who helped me move to Seattle a year and a half ago, and I added the fact that my own boyfriend closed his eyes when he rode with me.

Tri-Tip: "Wait. You're saying that your boyfriend voluntarily gets on nuclear submarines and pilots around for six months in the dark, in secret places far under the ocean, and he won't open his eyes when he rides with you?"

Me: "Yes."

Tri-Tip: "Get help."

Blogging the Relationship Special Edition: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the LT!!

It's today! The LT was born today! WOO! Obviously, I am pretty happy that this man chose to enter the world. Safe to say that I am a fan.

After all, this is a man who is letting me attend a book signing tonight, a book signing celebrating a woman who is a She-Hero of the Bloggernets, a woman who has written honestly and openly about her divorce and her finances and her job and her hobbies (knitting) and her cats' hobbies (pooping) and the amazing part is how little I have in common with this woman and yet how much I--and every other woman in the world with a sense of humor--identify with her. But enough about me, the point is that the LT does not mind that I am spending his birthday celebrating a woman who is divorced and living alone with three cats, spending her days knitting. (I don't understand why all the men in town, including the LT, aren't falling all over each other to attend this book reading, but apparently it's not very manly. Or something.)

Also, this man is the kind of man that has all the right responses to important questions like, "Will you still love me if I confess now that we were supposed to take a left three blocks ago?" He did, he said, through gritted teeth. (My ability to give directions to a driver, even if I know the area well, is a byword in Seattle.)

"Is it okay that I don't wear makeup much?" (Read: hardly ever.) His answer: "Yes, definitely. I couldn't stand it if you had to put on makeup before we left the house to go to brunch or drop by the video store."

"Do you notice that I have gained ten pounds?" Yes, I actually asked this question, trying to stop myself even as I said it. The LT may be the only man in the world who had the right answer to this question, said so straightforwardly that I actually believed him: "No, I really can't."

Whew.

He loves Titan, so much that Titan would much rather live with the LT, I think, than with mean ol' mama who keeps taking him to the vet and making him take pills. (Update on Titan: he has a bacterial skin infection, which didn't respond to the antibiotic shampoo, so now we are trying oral antibiotics.)

In other news: I'm still sick, but on the mend; I'm keeping a really long and boring log of Food I Ate This Week that will be published on the other blog, in case other people want to know how I eat and when I eat it. It doesn't seem exciting, but I confess that I LOVE to see what other people eat on a daily basis, so I thought I would publish mine. I love food logs, especially detailed ones, I love sample menus, I love it when chefs talk about what THEY eat, (hence my irrational love for Alone in the Kitchen with an Eggplant, and therefore I am forcing myself to write down what I eat in an attempt to make it look more like a sample menu, i.e., something that an adult should be eating as opposed to what a child eats with an indulgent grandparent. (Left alone, my diet consists of pieces of bread with some kind of spread and/or cheese. And steamed spinach with sauce. That could be my whole life, easily.)

And in spite of the LT's proclamation that he can't see my extra pounds (God Bless the man), last night's dinner of a Chipotle burrito, a piece of toast slathered in fake cheese, a few spoonfuls of carrot cake Rice Cream, and a tumbler of scotch on the rocks is definitely not a bikini dinner*. Something HAS TO BE DONE. And seeing Crazy Aunt Purl is proven to be low in fat and high in fiber!

Bikini dinner: a dinner that keeps one in shape for bikini season. Substitute lunch or breakfast when necessary.

Been Sick, Plus, an Idea

Very sick. I was priding myself on the fact that I hadn't gotten sick, when indeed half of the Seattle-Tacoma area seemed to be out sick, and then...I got sick. (I blame Tut-Tee Claire. At first it was only she and I who weren't sick, and then she fell, and then I did. Dammit.)

Anyway, whoever is to blame, I fell sick overnight on Tuesday and woke up on Wednesday with glands the size of golf balls, a headache, and the shakes. Fortunately, I had just been to the library--literally the day before--and stocked up on a bunch of fiction I'd never read: four Charlaine Harris', two each from two different series, and three non-fiction: The Tipping Point, French Women Don't Get Fat, and The Year of Magical Thinking, that last one on my mother's recommendation. I've read all four fiction paperbacks and am partway through Magical Thinking, although I've gotten distracted with The Eye of the World. Yes, the very same Eye of the World, I don't think there are two, that starts the famous Wheel of Time series, that will probably never actually end as the author just died. May Robert Jordan rest peacefully in a world beyond blood diseases and book critics. And as he would say, I'm not sure which is worse! As for the rest, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about with French Women Don't Get Fat, and I've already read Blink and loved it, and so wanted to read Tipping Point. From now on, all the books I'm reading or have read will be in their own list right above the blog archive, so you can click on any title and be taken to Amazon. No, I don't make any money if you buy it...yet. (Some of the books I've read will be in Aarwenn Culture, if they're reference books I refer to often.)

Reading this much fiction--especially by authors I enjoy, although the jury is out on whether I actually enjoy Robert Jordan yet--has got me thinking (again) about my own work of fiction. I've been thinking for some time that I would post the first chapter here, on this blog, so that people can read it and hopefully give me their opinions. I hope that might spur me on to finish it, as the plot has been finished long ago, and now it just requires the words. Sadly, the words--as Robert Jordan knows--are the hardest part. The plots are easy. It's the words, and the characters, that are so hard. Anyone can describe a plot. Telling a story is the tough part.

So what do you think, readers? Yay or nay posting the novel? Would you rather wait until its finished? Anyone out there want to be my writing buddy? I can't seem to do it alone.

ING and Mary Kay

The two things aren't really related, but the LT read the previous Mary Kay post and said to me, "You spent two hundred dollars on make up. Isn't this going to directly affect--in the reverse way--all this progress you're making with your ING account?"

To which I say: "THBBBBBBBBBT."

But that's just the short answer! I have a longer answer, which involves more B's.

No, seriously, I do have a longer answer, mainly about ING, based on a number of questions I've received recently. (And thank you! Ask more questions! I love to talk!)

What kind of interest rates do you get?

I get 3.5% on my checking, and 4.0% on my savings. Yes, that's excellent, and getting paid real money on YOUR money is just as excellent as it sounds.

What are some other good things?

No overdraft fees! Instead, they charge you interest on any amount you're overdrawn, calculated by some complicated algorithm per day. I can be hundreds of dollars overdrawn (just for a few days, I swear!) and be charged 85 cents total for the month. That is really nice. (I'd like to pretend I'm perfect, but I'm not. Sadly.)

So what's the catch?

Well, ING doesn't have any branches. And they don't have any ATMs. So you MUST have a "real" checking account linked to your ING account. And that's a problem, because in moving money around, you can (if you're me) end up short on one or both accounts, and then you get slapped with terrible overdraft fees from Real Bank.

I opened my ING account in very late May, and let's just say that although I have made something like 35 bucks in interest since then (for doing nothing! Just saving!), I have also spent 181 dollars in overdraft fees. I have also earned money (occasionally) for ING promotions, like 1% cash back on purchases during June and July, which netted me an additional 25 dollars (roughly), but still--as of now, opening my ING account has cost me money.

UPDATE: This is actually not true, at all. I have saved a great deal of money that I would normally have had to spend in overdraft fees, since I have mentioned I've been overdrawn a few times on my ING account. Conservatively, applying Key Bank rates, I have probably saved 180 dollars. At least.

Okay, but assuming I'm not you?

First of all, congratulations! Second of all, I would say opening an ING account would be a terrific idea for you. You won't have the overdraft problem that I did.

What are some other catches?

Well, even if you're not me, you'll still have a problem writing checks from your ING account. They have an electronic check option, which works almost instantaneously, like paypal. And then they have a paper check option, which thanks to some fancy graphics you can fill out online and send to someone--and that's neat--but it would be faster to buy a donkey and a horse, have them mate, raise the mule, train it to be a pack mule, and send it to the person with your check--which the mule may or may not eat on the way (um, the check, not the person)--than to send an paper check through ING. This is a serious problem.

However, it's very tempting to send checks through ING because even if you don't have enough funds to cover the check, it won't bounce OR slap you with nasty overdraft fees. They treat it exactly like a normal overdraft. In some cases, with returned check fees being as high as $75 dollars, I can imagine this would save a large amount of money. I mean, if you were me, which you're not. So maybe this won't matter to you.

So what do YOU, personally, use your ING account for? Or alternatively, why would I open one if I can't write checks from it or deposit money into it? Sounds ridiculous?

Good point. I use my ING account for everything except writing checks. I use my debit card for all my purchases (or at least I do when I can find it), I pay all my bills, all my student loans, and I give to my Roth IRA every month from it. What I don't do: pay rent, or buy Mary Kay. Evil Mary Kay.

Had I thought about this at the time, I would have written an electronic check to Jen the Mary Kay lady from my ING account, as there wasn't a deadline like there is for some checks. And I would also have paid my utilities bill from it, because again, had I sent the check right away it would have arrived in plenty of time (even if the mule ate the first one) and I wouldn't have to worry about having enough money in the account to cover the check at the right time because they don't bounce! Wow, that would have been a great idea! I could have saved 75 dollars!

Focus, Aarwenn. Why would I want to open an ING account?

Because if you're not me, and assuming you have the same amount of savings as I do (kind of insulting for you, I'm sure you'll have more) you'll make about forty dollars in four months! Ten dollars a month in interest is nothing to sneeze at.

And also, having an account with no real branches is no challenge at all for our generation. I assume you already do everything online, including bills, student loans, dating, savings accounts, group games, etc, online. (Maybe in some future world Match.com will put a link on your profile to your ING account so your potential dates can verify your income?) So it's not so odd to have an account you can't go to, in person. I also assume you already have direct deposit of your paycheck and don't get a lot of other checks, and so you have no real need to visit your bank anyway. (Although I hope EVERYONE knows they can deposit checks by ATM at your bank. I'm always shocked at how many people don't know this.)

One additional note about ATMs: the ING site has an ATM locator, in which you can find all the free ATMs that ING has, and there's a lot, all over the country. There's one half a block away from me; it's great.

So, what's the verdict?

If you're not me, i.e. you can do math and you can learn from your mistakes, opening an ING account will be the best thing you ever did, and even if you ARE me, you'll still be happy you did. I am.

Okay. Good to know. Last question: what started you on this "Money Watch" phase?

This book: Women and Money, by Suze Orman. A fabulous, wonderful book. And you can make $100 dollars by opening a Roth IRA. I'm serious. Go out and buy it, now!

Happy Tuesday! May Mary Kay ladies run from your door and may your bank suddenly decide to suspend their overdraft fee policy!

The Evil that is Mary Kay

So, I have this friend that I met at a bachelorette party, once upon a time, and she said she had just started selling Mary Kay, and because I really like the idea of Mary Kay in theory--the idea of women being able to work at home, woman-owned small businesses, etc--and she was looking for test subjects, I volunteered.

Side note: Not only am I NOT a girly-girl, I am also kind of a sucker for advertisements and clever packaging, and therefore I had a period in my life (sadly, right over the time I moved a lot) in which I had TWO FULL CARDBOARD BOXES, the gigantic moving kind, of...hair product. That I never used. That I carefully moved to at least four separate residences.

Based on these experiences, and the subsequent kicking-myself-in-the-head that I did, I am very hesitant about buying any makeup product at all, although I make an exception for lip gloss. (Buy it, lose it. Buy it, lose it.) So I went ahead and volunteered to be her Mary Kay subject, but I was NOT going to buy anything. Not. Not.

What I didn't bargain on was the Mary Kay program of doing TWO facials, a starting facial and then a follow-up facial. At the starting facial I bought three lipglosses, something I always need, and also bronzer, which impressed me during the facial (and has continued to impress me.)

And then I started getting the calls for the follow-up facial.

I resisted. I flaked out. I refused to return calls. And then finally Jen (the Mary Kay girl, and actually very nice) nailed me down and sure enough, a week ago yesterday, we had the follow-up facial, and I could hold out no longer, and I bought a skin care system. And some eye cream because that would push my total up to (big scary number I can't reveal here, except that it has three digits) and then I would get a free makeup bag, and let me tell you, the makeup bags at Mary Kay are unbelievably terrific.

HOWEVER. The reason I bought the skin care system, or part of the reason, is that Jen said, "Look, I will make you a deal. If you buy this system, and use it faithfully every day, twice a day, and your skin doesn't get better, I'll buy it back from you. You're a great test case. Please, buy it and use it every day. Please?"

How can I resist a deal like that? And so now I have spent close to two hundred dollars on makeup and skin care in the past month that I will probably never use, since I did indeed use the system three days in a row last week but completely forgot over the weekend AND Monday, and all I can say is that the next girl I meet who tells me she's selling Mary Kay I will punch in the face and then run away.

Expensive Lessons Get More Expensive the Second (Hundredth) Time

For example, I was with the LT (with whom I had a great weekend, even driving back and forth from Bremerton to Seattle four times) on Sunday, and I took a look at my bank statements. I should know better, because the LT manages his money like Alan Greenspan (or how I imagine Alan Greenspan would handle his personal accounts, not America's money) and I...do not.

It's not that I'm poor, as you'll see from the following conversation. It's more that I'm...well, scatterbrained. To put it mildly.

Me: "DAMN!"
LT: "What?"
Me: "I owe Key Bank $73.00 in overdraft fees!"
LT: "Baby! Are you okay? Do you need me to pick up some coffee bills?"
Me: "No, I'm fine." (I click and login to my ING account, which by the way I still love.) "See? I have a healthy balance here."
LT: (Confused) "Why do you have two accounts?"
Me: "I wish I could--I wish I could just go with my ING account. I hate Key Bank. But my ING account needs to have a "normal" checking account linked to it. They require it."
LT: "Okay. But why don't you keep more money in the Key Bank account?"
Me: "Because ING pays me A LOT more interest."
LT: (With great patience) "Fine, but why don't you use your ING debit card, then, more often, instead of your Key Bank one?"
Me: "Because I lost it."
LT: (Throwing his hands in the air) "I give up!"

I was passing this story along to my Tut-Tee Clair, and she said, "Um...shouldn't you cancel it?"
"Oh no," I said cheerfully. "I know it's somewhere in my apartment. I just have to find it."

For the record, when a sixteen-year-old gives you good advice--that you should be taking--about your money situation, you know you're beyond the repair given by professionals.

However, just to make my point, I did in fact TODAY find my ING debit card. Which never charges me overdraft fees. (One of the many, many reasons I love ING.)

And I have a Roth IRA, and a 401(k), and just a plain old savings account. It's not that I'm destitute. It's just that...well, let's just say that money is easy in that it just goes into accounts and earns interest all by itself. In this case, I think my own money is smarter than I am.

Stuffing Face With Spicy Coconut Milk Noodle

It's sort of amazing how many of my posts could accurately be titled that way, as that is what I am doing pretty much all the time.

The important part, of course, is to leave room for the Sparks at the end.

Hello! It's Friday night, the biggest party of the year will technically start in a little over an hour, and I am not showered OR dressed.

And the party is happening at my house.

I am pretty much ready, if by "ready" you mean "sitting at the computer still wearing my coat, stuffing my face with Spicy Coconut Milk Noodle." But like I said before, it's amazing how many other words in my life--like for example "working", "writing", and "cleaning" can all mean "sitting at the computer stuffing my face with Spicy Coconut Milk Noodle."

But seriously, folks. I've never been this ready for a party in my entire life. The bathroom is CLEAN clean. You could eat off the floor. So is the kitchen. I have my costume all ready. (The theme of this pary, besides "Holy Shit Aarwenn is throwing her first house party in two years," is, "Back to School!") I have a keg, arranged for, picked up, and paid for. It's in my Jeep now. I don't have keg cups or mixers, but people are bringing those. I have very few munchies, but people are bringing those too. (SPECIFIC people who know their tasks, not just random people that I hope remember.) The apartment is cleaner than it's ever been, including the day I moved in. My neighbors have been warned of the party, I've wiped down all flat surfaces in all rooms, I've de-furred the apartment and the dog, I've even gotten my hair done.

-Post broke off here, as the LT showed up with all sorts of things, and the party commenced!--

It's now Saturday afternoon--late afternoon. The party went well, although it was a little small since apparently half of Seattle is out sick. We had plenty of people here anyway--the kind of crowd where you can't really keep track of all the conversations, and I'm sure a lot of things happened that I didn't even see.

On a more updated note, Tukwila PD found the LT's motorcycle! LT and I arranged a long and complicated plan to go get it, as we now have two people and three vehicles on this side of the water. The plan, which depends on ferry times, probably won't be complete until nine or ten tonight, and that's just in time for us to go to ANOTHER party.

Sigh.

Also, I'm currently stuffing my face with Spicy Coconut Milk Noodle.

The Lord Giveth, and the Lord Taketh Away

Or maybe it’s more appropriate to say that we are in a continuous cycle of giving and taking. Feng Shui teaches that we really own nothing on this earth, not even the bodies we stand up in, as we certainly can’t take our possessions or our bodies with us when we die. So an appropriate response to any theft is to take a deep breath and say, “Well, they’ve come for it.” “They” being some representation of the world outside us or around us, some element that helps themselves to our possessions without notifying us, and “it” being some element that we expected to hang on to for the indeterminate future.

And after this weekend, the LT can say, “Well, they’ve come for the motorcycle.”

I'll put that more plainly: the LT and I came back from Beerfest to discover that his motorcycle was stolen, the wrenched-off ignition lock lying in the street.

Yes, he has insurance. Theft insurance, even, which you have to pay extra for with a motorcycle because of this very possibility. Yes, I was very attached to that motorcycle and am rather sad that we can’t ride it anymore. (That we know of. SPD may find it—the nice officer who came to take Mark’s statement about 1:07 this morning said the chances were better than average that he’d get it back. I’m not so sure.) In fact, my own father owned a motorcycle when he and my mother got married, which was stolen not long after they were married. He never replaced it.

The awful part is that LT has worked twelve hours a day every day this week and been called in to work twice in the middle of the night on top of that. (And last week, and for the next two weeks.) I put in eight hours of overtime myself, not including my normal tutoring. I was insulted at Beerfest by a boy who told me I needed acne cream. (Maybe if I repeat it enough, the sting of this remark will eventually dissipate.) Two lines of girls—the line I was in and an upstart line—both in line for the same four porta-potties almost got in a knock-down drag-out brawl, resulting in me comforting some gorgeous tennis-player-type blonde who was crying over being called “ferret-faced” by some female who was apparently shallower than Saran Wrap. Four security guards crossed their arms in front of the four porta-potties, sending in one girl at a time after that.

Fortunately the whole event paled in comparison to our triumphant entry, the LT and I able to buzz in for free and, more importantly, past a line that was miles long. (In any big city, free admission pales in comparison to being to skip the line or achieve free parking, for example.) A group of us went out for really good Thai food, disdaining to feed ourselves on fair food at Beerfest, and today, the ‘Hawks beat the Bengals and the Steelers beat the 49’ers. Next week, the ‘Hawks play the 49’ers. Should be an interesting game.

And tomorrow I get to work from home, a wonderful thing, and I get to try out a new salon on Friday (Vain, for those playing along at home) and most importantly, my BACK TO SCHOOL! Party is on Friday, and drinking games galore, fifty of my closest friends in costume, and a brand-new (to me) Polaroid camera to record the events will chase away a lot of ills. And even if it doesn’t, I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

The Only Phone Calls I've Gotten On My Landline Are Telemarketers, Or, Fall Reminds Me Of Aging

And I have no idea how to retrieve my messages anyway, so this is probably as it should be. Oh: and once I called myself--only to see if my phone number works.

It does.

I could summarize this week, but instead I'll say that I am really REALLY looking forward to this weekend, which I suspect will be amazing. Tomorrow night, the LT and I will be volunteering at the Fremont Oktoberfest, which I think will be some work, but also a blast, and then Saturday we get to actually GO to Oktoberfest! For free!

Sunday I think we have something or other. (My apologies if whoever we're spending time on Sunday is reading this. You're important. I swear.)

On the Radar This Week, or, What This Post Is Really About

I've been spending all my free time (what there is of it) with my old friend Beau Prichard, who besides having a brand-new book out, is also starring in Conor McPherson's St. Nicholas, an engrossing drama about a real prick of a theater critic (but aren't they all?) who ends up working for vampires and discovers what real evil is. (I can't help but wonder if Mr McPherson got in a few personal zings against theater critics that may or may not have lambasted him in the past.)

It's a one-man show, and Beau is in the process of learning his lines, not an easy feat when it was written by an Irishman with apparently no grammar school education; the changes in tense throughout are appalling. He keeps me in Sparks Light and I pace around his apartment in the Central District, wearing holes in the rug, or occasionally stretching between paces, hearing my joints pop. His roommate, a real darling whom I would have fallen for were I five years younger, pokes his head around corners and makes sarcastic comments between riffs on Guitar Hero. It's all very "we'll look back on this one day and laugh", or at least it would be if Beau and I both weren't closer to thirty than we are to twenty. Still, I'm proud of him--the man can actually finish his novels, something I've yet to do--and as life expectancies lengthen, we have more and more years to make our own paths rather than needing to hop on pre-made ones to save time.

Not that Beau is particularly behind--he's not. As I said, he's written far more novels than I have and actually has one available to sell. And my perspective is skewed, too. One of the reasons I love living in Capitol Hill is that it keeps me with one foot in the art scene, one eye watching people who have carved out unusual lives for themselves and don't seem burdened down by guilt that they're not Type-A enough, and half my brain on my novel. The other half of my brain, of course, is focused on nanotechnology, giant lasers, and chemicals galore. The other half of my brain is stressing that I won't put my name on a patent or make sweeping changes in the Lazy B before my car loan is up (the end of my short-term goals). The other half of my brain is constantly pushing myself to do better and better things while I'm this young, racing against the clock.

In addition, people keep getting married on me, which can (in my darker moments) contribute to my sense of urgency. I do also realize that just because some of my friends are married doesn't mean that they have their lives any more settled or have necessarily accomplished more. (I mean, marriage is a big accomplishment, don't get me wrong. But it's not necessarily a good analogy for winning a patent, or writing a novel, or starting a full-fledged acting career. I don't know if you can ever really cross marriage off on a list titled, "Things Done.")

However. In the midst of all this strife, I recently devoured "Alone in the Kitchen With An Eggplant", a wonderful collection of essays written by authors who love food and cooks who love to write, about that extremely personal of issues: cooking and eating for and by yourself, and only yourself. I read every single word--parts of it I even went back and read again--and it's so wonderful. Not just because I get to peek into the private lives of some amazing people and some of my favorite cooks, but also because like a good music anthology, it almost accidentally covers the extremely complex relationship that humans have with food, both good and bad, and the specific periods of life that such relationships recall. I read about apartments the size of postage stamps and cooking setups with two burners and no kitchen sink, meaning that Laurie Colwin had to do her dishes in her bathtub, I read about mothers getting angry about secretly consumed carbohydrates, and about the best salsa rosa ever, one I intend to try immediately if I ever go back to cream. Indeed, the best essays were part food and part memoir, times of extreme loneliness at 26 and wondering what effect the hash had on the food at the ripe old age of thirty. It's essays like that that I live for, reminding me that perfection is impossible--especially in my kitchen--and that one's life at 26, even though it seems settled, may not even resemble one's life at 30, which is good because that's after my short-term goals are over and I think I'll want to do something else.

Optional funny ending: I was with Tut-Tut just last night (maybe at some point in the future I'll open up a school for girls) and I was having her write an essay on technological changes and how they've improved--or ruined--our lives. She was having a hard time thinking of an example. "What about texting?" I said.

"But texting's not NEW," she said in tones of great disgust. "Texting has been around FOREVER."

I Remember Very Few Things About This Week

I worked a lot.

However I DID actually find time (a long lunch hour on Thursday, the only free time I've had ever) to work on the long and long-suffering cleaning project (did I mention I was de-cluttering my house?) and I found some things of note:

My power bill, unpaid.

Bus schedules that became inaccurate a year ago.

Several wedding invitations, most of which I went to, but without actually sending the RSVP card because I lost it

Several cable bills, all of which I paid online

Pilates/Yoga studio fliers from a year and a half ago

Receipts, saved from a time when I meant to track everything I bought

Cards I bought for people and never sent

A lease agreement from two and a half years ago.

And hordes of other things.

Also today, for the first time, I am pleased to announce that I have a house phone line for the first time in two years, maybe longer. It came as a package with the rest of the cable stuff and I got it, and then I had to track down a phone, and THEN I had to track down a BATTERY, and THEN I had to remember to set the handset on the actual charger. And once I had done that, after I got to wonder why it was dead a few hours later, I realized I also had to plug the phone base in to an actual plug on the wall. Who knew? I now have four extension cords running off of one socket in a series. And that reminds me: I should probably get renters' insurance.

The point of this post: I only had my house line for six months before I started using it! Once I found it under the piles of paper, of course.

New! Shiny! And it Moves!

Check it out, right to the right of this main space. The LT will soon be an LT in the RESERVES. Yes, the Reserves. Not Active Duty. He will soon be a member of the Reserves.

How soon, you ask?

Great question! Check out my handy-dandy Countdown! -->

Apparently I Have Really Ugly Clothes

I have this bag of clothes that I'm trying to sell to consignment or second hand shops and I've been turned down twice. I will have to donate them, not that that's a bad thing, but I can't help but feel slightly rejected. My clothes are so ugly that even secondhand shops won't take them? That can't be good. Maybe I've been walking around wearing ugly clothes this whole time and no one told me. (Tut-tuts! I expected more out of you all!)

Seriously, what is the good of hanging around teenagers if they don't tell you when you're out of fashion? It's possible that they think I'm too far gone to be saved, in which case, I might as well let myself out to pasture now. On the other hand, they are certainly handy for keeping up on on musical tastes. I was in the dance club on the cruise ship with all the girls, and I knew EVERY single song that was played. On one song, Ali asked me, "Okay, so what's THIS song?"

"Souljaboy", I said, with authority, trying to act like I'd known the song for months, when the truth was I had heard it for the first time with New Tut-Tut just a few days before. See? Teenagers ARE good for something!

On another note, the LT had my new computer all ready for me when I got back, it's awesome, and I'm typing on it now. Everyone thank the LT for keeping me sane. (My previous computer was almost ten years old, and that is just ridiculous for a computer.) The problem is, the chair I'm using for my computer desk is far too tall for it, and I had never realized that before because I didn't spend enough time at the computer. Now that I'm more sucked in because of my awesome new computer, I realize that there's terrible glare on my screen and sitting here for hours on end will make me bent double before my time.

Of course, I could just sit here less, but we all know THAT'S not going to happen, so I'll have to find another chair! Darn, more stuff to buy!

Too Tiredf to Spell

I wrote a post on the other blog and tried to use the word "excellent". After spelling it wrong four times I had to have google correct it for me. And the typo in the title is accidental, but I thought I'd leave it because it was so apropos.

Hello from San Jose! I was in Miami two days ago and the Bahamas two days before that. My brain is actually emitting a buzzing noise when it tries to think, like a very old computer that sounds like its chewing gravel when it has to run more than two applications at once. (Speaking of very old computers, the LT is building me a new one as I speak! YAY! Thank you, LT!)

I was home for about four hours on Tuesday, between spending all night in a Miami airport and taking off again for my business trip to San Jose. Fortunately here on the West Coast there are Starbucks galore, oh so handy if you're trying to stay awake in a business meeting. Also let me just say that I absolutely love Miami and plan to convince the LT to move there. Nobody tell him, 'kay?

Pictures:

Titan wearing his vest, five weekends ago.

LT and I on the beach in Seaside, Oregon, four weekends ago.

Leslie and I ready to go out, three weekends ago.

Titan wants to go out, too!

Pictures from backstage at the Wilco Concert, three weeks ago

Miami, looking gorgeous, last weekend.

And yes, I will post more pictures from Miami! Coming soon!

After I sleep for twelve hours.

Notes from the Miami Airport, 12:25 am

Do not forgot cute quotes from this cruise weekend! Too late. (We said a lot of really funny things--I think--but I forgot them all. Dangit!

Spanish television appears to have a lot of actual making out on it. I ended up watching some silly reality television show about matching up couples due to their astrology sign, and even though most of the questions were standard dating questions, they showed a “successful” couple in flashbacks who appeared to make out constantly. Although it was odd, it was neat. American dating shows often stick to a chaste peck during TV time and then flash forward to the sex part.

Speaking of television, I can see why non-native speakers can teach themselves English by watching television. Especially television with sub-titles. Since reality TV is equally bad in Spanish-speaking and English-speaking countries, it was easy to figure out what questions they were asking—and then match the questions to the sentences flashed on the screen at the bottom.

Speaking of, again: Maybe I could have used a little more of that TV watching. My Spanish is, yes, pretty bad, although after a few days in Miami and on a cruise where most of the guests were bilingual, Spanish and English, I picked a little back up. (Of course, my ORIGINAL plan was to work on my Spanish long before the trip with The Intern Who Is No Longer An Intern, who speaks Spanish fluently—having spent many summers in the Dominican Republic—but we all know how well my pre-planning works out in general. Honestly, I just never got around to it.) In any case, I was faking it well enough by the end of the trip that two very nice boys from Mexico told me my Spanish was excellent. And while I tried to appreciate the compliment, I knew they were either kidding me or just plain wrong—I couldn’t even remember the word for “rain”. (I was trying to say it rains in Seattle. In case you’re wondering, gentle readers, it’s “Hace joviendo”—“We Have Rain.”) (A lot of Spanish phrases, literally translated, sound like badly-written commercial jingles, I don’t know why.)

Okay, so I was told by a nice older lady here at the airport that my Spanish was good, but I must admit she had an ulterior motive. She was selling me coffee. (Perhaps she wouldn’t have worked so hard to flatter me if she knew how likely it was that I, personally, would buy coffee.)

All in all it was a great weekend, in fact a fantastic weekend, both the parts in Miami and the parts on the cruise, and especially the parts with my girlfriends and ESPECIALLY the part with a Miss A. Klinger, who was my buddy the whole trip and whom I should really email more, and especially fly to L.A. to see the first chance I get.

But of course, it was also just as amazing to see Anna Banana, one of my closest sorority sisters of all time, and also my old roommate Noaillese, who roomed with me for two years. Now that I am sitting in a lonely Miami airport at Oh-Dark Thirty I keep thinking I hear their voices, and yes, I realize how crazy that makes me sound.

My excuse: it’s been almost a week since I slept more then four hours per day, including naps.

I have talked with the LT twice, both of us laughing from exhaustion (he went on a two-day backpacking trip, and by the way I should ALWAYS call him when we’re both this tired, he thought all my jokes were funny) and arranged most of my trips for the next three days (I won’t be home until Friday) and have at least some idea of what I’ll be doing here at the airport for the next seven hours. (Sleeping and watching movies.) I am so tired I am ready to fall over dead.

Ah, Family

Me, packing up the Titan Tote for his trip to grandma's house: "Oh, there's a bottle of wine in here."

My mom: "Oh, good! I'll take that! It'll be something for your grandmother and I to drink on the drive home."

Me: "Yeah, if you actually did that, I'd be really impressed. And then I'd call the cops."

Mom: "Some friend YOU are."

My grandmother, joining in on the Aarwenn trash-fest: "Yeah, thanks a lot, lady. Who are you anyway?"

Me: "Okay, I'm taking the bottle of wine. For myself. THANK you very much."

Mom: "Typical."

Who says we're not related?

Also.

Claire, my Tut-Tee, has expressed her opinion that my Blogging the Relationship posts are not as exciting as they used to be. "Spice it up," were her exact words.

Whatever.

In retaliation I say: I know ten times as many words as you do.

It's Already Been a Week? WHAT?

I saw my Number One Tut-Tee today. "You haven't blogged in awhile," she said, and I said, "I've been busy!" She accepted my answer, which is a good thing because if she had pushed the subject, I would have said, all self-righteously, "I just blogged, like, yesterday!"

There's two things wrong with this. First thing: My Brand New Tut-Tee (yes, a new one!) says "like" so often that in our first meeting I kept a Like O' Meter, so I should really be watching my own use of "like", and second, I blogged nowhere near yesterday. Even like, yesterday. I last blogged A WEEK AGO.

Dammit.

It's sad, really, because I've had lots of stuff going on. Tons of stuff to blog about. The LT has been gone--at his ten-year high school reunion, at the risk of aging him, and I've been doing lots of really neat things. Yes. Neat Things. I know adjectives, I swear.

I've been doing some home improvement, for one thing. I hope to (eventually) post a bunch of pictures from that. I spent a serious amount of money at IKEA. I hung out with someone I've referred to as "Dave's wife Julie" before this, but can now proudly refer to as "my friend Julie." I saw C, she of Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Sanity. Titan and I took ginormous walks. Oh yeah, and I went to work.

It's Sunday night, again, again. Titan is asleep next to me on the sofa, and I'm eating Garlicky Swiss Chard and Tahini Dressing, and for a full discussion of why tonight was the hardest cooking night ever, check out my Other Blog. I'm reflecting over the weekend, which is certainly not the first weekend I've spent without the LT, but rare enough that it's worth at least a little reflection. For example, on the night that Julie hung out, a guy tried to eat my arm.

I'll let that sink in.

Yes, a guy tried to eat my arm. It was was very bizarre. I have had nights before where men followed me around the bar and stuck their noses in my neck (my perfume, that I've worn for years, is a minor celebrity in my hometown) but someone trying to nibble on my arm was pretty new.

Although that level of attention can be uncomfortable, I have to say I hope this magic lasts until MIAMI!

I swear, I SWEAR, there will be a few more posts in the upcoming days before I leave. And on that note, I leave you with this picture of Titan in his vest:

Oh, whoops. Maybe tomorrow?

Hello, I Am Broke

But I had an EXCELLENT time.

An old friend of the LT's came into town this week, mainly just for vacation, and we had a great time going out and spending a great deal of money.

We ate out, we drank, we ate out some more. Then she and I bought clothes and ate out some more. And then...well, you get the picture.

LT and I drove her to the plane today and proceeded to do the only thing we knew that was free, i.e., eat leftovers from all the days we went out and then go on a long walk with the pooch.

As of now I am sitting on my sofa, thanking Blog that I get a bunch of new tutoring students AND (supposedly) my raise, because otherwise I'd be begging on the street. And I'm yawning. A lot. The Dawg and I are both exhausted. He was curled up next to me just now, and I tried to show Titan a recent (semi-recent) Mythbusters episode, entirely devoted to dogs, and although he usually reacts to barking dogs on television, in this case I may have been a victim of poor timing. On the screen, German Shepherds (Titan's own breed!) (mainly) did their guard dog thing, bloodhounds bayed, and Alaskan Malamutes (Titan's other breed!) howled, and what did Titan do? He snored.

Maybe I'll try again when he's more awake. The man is in his sixties, after all. Sadly, I don't have the same excuse, and I'm just as tired. 'Night.

Random Thursday Thoughts

Author's Tolerance Misplaced, Sense of Righteous Outrage Takes Over

I saw a bumpersticker on my way into the Lazy B today that read: "Marriage is One Man, One Woman. Visit: www.NoGayMarriage.com."

Someone who is more compassionate may have the courage to visit that site; I sure haven't. Much like I don't visit the site of the National Vanguard, or whatever the heck they're calling the Neo KKK these days. I just don't want to see that much hate before my first cup of coffee. Of course, it's possible that the owner of the car and bumper sticker simply believes anything his or her church tells him or her, and got that sticker out of a welcome packet, and hasn't done any critical thinking, so that this bumper sticker displays ignorance, and not hate, but I think it's unlikely.

But ignorance does happen. It reminds me of an episode several years ago in which a professor at University of Indiana Bloomington wrote in his personal blog, "Why don't they keep gay people from having childcare jobs, since they're so likely to be child molesters?" There was a huge storm following this post, in which several people challenged the professor to present his facts, and said professor was flabbergasted when people asked him for facts. Didn't everyone just know that gay people are child molesters? The poor guy was even more flabbergasted when he couldn't find any facts to support his assumption. The rest of the university was much more flabbergasted that one of their professors seemed to be unaware of the importance of "facts" in scientific research, and fired him. (Last I heard.)

Being Frugal Still Exciting to Author, Still Boring to Blog Audience

I have learned: driving down to the ferry after six and parking on the street, as long as you can manage to retrieve your car before eight am the next day, is the cheapest and fastest option to get to Bremerton. Parking: free. Time to drive: Maybe 12, the way I drive, if you head east on Aloha and take 12th Ave south all the way to Yesler.

What is not frugal: having houseguests. LT has old friends from high school in town this week, and we have eaten dinner out or had drinks every night so far this week. And I haven't had time to go the grocery store, so I'm buying my LUNCH, too. It's lovely, but terrible for the swimsuit figure (thirteen days until I leave for Miami!)

It's okay, I have totally given up on having a hot figure for Miami. I'll try to rock a Marilyn Monroe aesthetic.(Marilyn Monroe was a size 14, according to legend, although that probably translates to a size 10 in present-day vanity sizing).

Only slightly more tan, I hope.

Titan Receives Birthday Present, Not So Thrilled

But it does not matter, because I love it, and what humans think is all that counts, right? RIGHT?

Titan's birthday present was this K-9 Cooling Vest, the first piece of clothing he's ever owned. He doesn't much like wearing it, but the thing works like gangbusters--he doesn't even pant on hot days! It's really amazing. And it assuages my owner guilt that I don't make time to take him to play in the water every day, especially in the summer. And like I said. What I think is all that matters.