We Regret These Errors

It's the end of 2005. It's been a long year. I have moved three times, changed roommates four times, and changed boyfriends at least twice. I have done great things, and I have done things I regret. That's right, you heard me! I regret stuff!

Fuck all of you who say you have no regrets. That's idiotically optimistic, completely untrue, and worst of all, it smacks of revisionist history. Terribly illogical. Of COURSE you regret stuff. Everyone does. Yes, you may have learned from it, and yes, that lesson may have value...but does it really combat the overarching shame resulting from doing That Thing You Regret? Couldn't you have learned that lesson in some easier manner?

Yes, you could have. So in the spirit of The Stranger, I present:

We Regret These Errors.

1. I regret dating a man who has so few social skills that, when I see him in a bar, and I go up and politely ask how he's doing, his answer is..."Uh....go away."

2. Yes. In fact, I regret the entire encounter with Hardware Engineer and would like to take this opportunity to mention that he's NOT an engineer, he's a social doofus who never graduated from high school. Thank you.

3. I do not regret in entirety all of the boys I met while living with T-Town Girl. Nor is she to be blamed for any of my actions. In fact, all of the attention I got that year was extremely good. What I regret is my general behavior during daylight hours. Could I have BEEN any more needy or delusional? No, I couldn't have been. I regret that.

4. I regret being so infatuated with CAE that, when he asked me to give up 1) other men, and 2) smoking, I agreed, because frankly I would have said anything to keep the making out going.

5. Not that I regret dating CAE--far from it. I regret not asking him to give up some bad habits of his own while in the conversation.

6. Because every time I turn down a cute boy, I really, really regret it, and then I want a cigarette, which I can't have. UGH.

7. I regret ever trying to live in West Seattle. Really, what was I thinking?

8. I do not regret every minute I spent on the beaches in West Seattle with Titan, even though it was totally illegal.

9. I regret thinking, two years ago, that all mp3 players were pretty much the same and I could get any brand that I wanted. Because although I now have an iPod and don't feel behind the times anymore, I still regret being that stupid about the future of iPod.

10. I regret not owning stock. Even though I have told people that I do.

11. I do NOT regret gaining weight. Because it makes losing it all that much more sweet.

12. At the same time, I do not regret this pint of Ben & Jerry's I am downing right now.

13. I regret being such a huge bitch about T-Town's relationship with Boyfriend. (Hers, not mine.) I was wrong, all year. And I'm sorry.

14. I do NOT regret not breaking up with Ex-TheBoy when the time was right, and instead sticking it out until the bitter end. I learned a lot. That is, in this case, entirely worth the heartache I paid for it.

15. At the same time, I regret not dating CAE earlier. Again, what WAS I thinking?

16. I do NOT regret meeting kt in Real Life. Because she's totally AWESOME! And her brother is too! (Hi, C!)

17. Back to boys: I regret not inviting Houseguest to Seattle earlier. I mean, seriously.

18. Also I regret not living closer to Houseguest. Like, in L.A.

19. Speaking of worthy boys, I completely regret liking unworthy boys, included but not limited to: Messed-Up Wannabe Artist and Pothead.

22. In fact, I regret not spending enough time, attention, or favors on Slightly Nerdy But Totally Worth It Boys. They really deserve it.

23. I reget being such a Tacompton Girl that when I go to a bar with friends, and one of their boyfriends goes from Normal to Whacked Out in 60 seconds, and tries to start shit with 20 Federal Rangers, I'm not surprised.

24. In addition, I regret that Tacoma is such a dirty, lawless, and dangerous city.

25. I regret that certain Tacoma natives are trying to deny this. It is what it is! You can't change the facts!

26. However, I do NOT regret that I'm comfortable here! Yeah, peeps! Reprazent!

27. So, clearly, I do not regret moving back here from college. But if I'm still here in a year, and I don't have a good reason, I WILL regret that.

29. I regret that I have to cut off my hair in a very short time. I hope I will not regret the actual act.

30. I regret ever seeing the Fantastic Four. Or Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

31. I regret not taking Titan on more walks.

32. I regret continually taking my mother's and grandmother's bait.

33. It's hard not to.

34. Occasionally, I regret being such an egotistical, paranoid meglomaniac. But not often.

35. I regret that I don't regret being an egotistical, paranoid meglomaniac MORE often.

36. I regret that I did not love my job more. My job is awesome and deserves to be loved. (Actually, I have a cakewalk of a job that I generally love and pays me a ridiculous amount. I should be worshipping my job.)

37. I regret that I haven't traveled more...

38. ...especially to meet all you IIFs! Have a great New Year's and, in 2006, I hope that you don't regret a thing!