Electroshock Therapy and My Bowels.

Yes. Isn't that a sexy title?

At any rate, it's a lot more interesting than Things I Have Learned in the Past 48 Hours.

See? WAY more sexy!

Anyway, onto the actual things. That I have learned.

1. Whether I'm the worst or best dog mommy ever--the jury is still out on that, but you can form your own opinion based off this shocking piece of news: I have bought Titan a Shock Collar. (Although the marketing department at PetSafe calls it a "static" collar, you know what I'm saying?) I thought about it and felt awful. I bought it and still felt awful. I let it sit in the bag when I brought it home. (Titan was with me at PetSmart when I bought it. I swear I didn't do it behind his back. And I had a ten dollar gift certificate, so the collar was only HALF my life savings!) (I can't believe how much they charge--if I wanted to torture my dog, I could just beat him for free!) (Joke.) (Not funny.) (Also, can you tell me why human nature makes us buy the mid-range whatever it is? They had a cheap, a middle, and an expensively priced collar, and I bought the middle. Why? WHY? Wouldn't the cheap have been as good? But...I digress. Again.)

Ah. Where was I? Yes, the shock collar, half my life savings, used at first as a paperweight. And I thought, Well, I kept the receipt, he's not barking here, I can just return it.

Ha HA! Said Fate. And then Titan and I had a little incident. (Update: the closet door guys are supposed to come TODAY!)

So I got home that night, took Titan to the dog park like normal, and then brought him home and thought well, here goes nothing and put it on. He was so patient standing there for the collar, too, and I knew he was being patient for his own hurt, and a little part of me inside died, but I gritted my teeth and went on. And then I let him stand on the deck outside. For awhile there was nothing, and I was about to take it off, and then someone walked through the bottom gate, and WOOF! Zzzzzzzzz!

Okay, so you really can't hear it. That's exaggeration. But I knew it worked because he suddenly leaned his neck back, instinctively trying to get away from the prongs on the underside of his neck, and his ears flared a little. Silence. Then a test bark: Woof! And the ears flared again.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I got a dog who used to bark his head off at every opportunity, including, but not limited to: squirrels, cats, other dogs, people, being tied up outside places, postmen, any men in uniform, etc...to be a dog that sleeps happily in the car and waits patiently outside stores when we go on walks! In the space of two days!

Okay, so that was a really long Number One.

Onto Number Two: (HA!) Number Two! Because this is ABOUT Number Two!

Sort of.

Because, okay, my metabolism is changing, and apparently my body is, too. Some days I have terrible gas and other days I don't, and I don't know why. I thought it was greens. Today I learned a lesson: I think it's greens with NO OIL, which is what I was doing because I'm weird, but greens drowned in olive oil are awesome!

Which is weird because milk doesn't give me a problem, but cheese and ice cream do. So is it animal fat? Or greens with no oil? Or both?

No matter, I solved a big part today. And that's a good thing.

Number Three: This super cute haircut that I adore...it takes on a whole new meaning in Capitol Hill. (For those non-Seattle types: Gay/Lesian Central.) When I wear it with my big sunglasses and my muscle tank, hoodie, and gas station corduroys...you know what I look like?

That's right. Every other slim androgynous lesbian in Cap Hill.

For right now, I'm kinda liking it. Fun to be someone else for awhile. :)