In which I show off my criminal tendencies to my van pool.

So, after this weekend, I'm feeling bitchy and really damn cynical, bordering on nihilistic. And I skated into work this morning with no security badge OR wallet, so no ID to prove who I was either, and although I could have convinced the guards I was who I am by giving my employee ID number and social security, I just didn't want to talk to anyone. Neither did I want to make the van drop me off at the guard station so I could argue with them and then walk all the way in.

So what did I do? I convinced everyone in the van to break company rules by not giving me away as I faked it. Some background: in the case of vanpools, one security guard checks that the van has a parking pass and looks at the driver's badge, while another security guard comes around to the sliding door, opens it, and looks in as everyone holds their badge up. Some of the guys on the van, being typical arrogant asshole engineers and former fighter jet pilots, joke about how the rent-a-cops don't do their jobs, as of course is the fate of all rent-a-cops everywhere. This morning we tested it. Everyone in the van knew I didn't have my badge, and everyone also knew (because we talked about it at length) that I also happened to have a temporary badge from some time ago. This temp badge looks NOTHING like a real badge. It's just a white piece of paper with my name and employee ID number on it, in a plastic sleeve, with a big red date (in gigantic letters) stamped across the front. You get these on the days you forget your badge--assuming you have your wallet and can convince the guards you are who you say you are--and you're supposed to turn them in at the end of the day. Ha.

I made it into a bet. Everyone in the van was in on it. I was sure one of them would lose their nerve at the last minute and blurt out to the guard that I was trying to get in without my badge--engineers REALLY don't like breaking rules, except for the occassional rebel like me. I had a partner in crime, fortunately, or else I probably wouldn't have been able to convince the entire van by myself--I mean, you could feel the stiff disapproval in the air. However, one of the van regulars is one of the few engineering avericks--he's one of the ex-fighter-pilots and he's also cynical and anti-rules, especially stupid ones, and he was totally on my side and all hyped up about it. The security guard comes to the door, opens it, and looks in. I barely hold up my plastic-covered white slip. Everyone in the van holds their breath. The guard nods. "Thank you very much," he says. Before the door even slams shut, my partner in crime in the shotgun seat turns around and gives me his fist in celebration, and I'm frozen in my seat, giving him a withering glance. "Just hold it right there," I said, smiling. He's totally confused, but he waits as the van drive past the security guards and turns the corner. Only then did I respond to his fist, but I took the opportunity to educate him, and the entire van. "Apparently you've never led a life of crime! You always want to wait until AFTER you've moved out of earshot and line-of-sight to celebrate."

Partner in Crime blew off the advice. "They weren't paying attention anyway," he scoffed. I wasn't so sure. In any case, I stand by my advice, although I'm a little wary of the consequences of showing my criminal mind--excuse, I mean, my "healthy disregard for the rules" to the entire vanpool!

Oh well.