The Impossibility of Getting Up On Time

Never mind all that dating crap. I just had to get it out.

On to bigger and better things! Like, for example, the impossibility of me getting up in the morning. At all. Under any circumstances. And to get a good picture of why it's impossible for me to get up, we'll have to start with:

A Typical Evening Schedule

9:00 pm (when the trouble starts): Home from any of the following: a) gym, b) errands, c) dropping by people's houses.

9:05 pm: Look into Roommate's room. If he's awake and watching TV, I'll join him for awhile. If not, skip directly to:

9:10 pm: Go through stuff on kitchen table that I have dropped at various earlier points in the day. Gather it up for beside reading material.

9:15 pm: Sit on bed with laptop and reading material. Plan to: read reading material, take notes on things I need for my apartment, write notes for the upcoming week/weekend, maybe write on my novel (progressing at the rate of one page per year)

9:30 pm: Hmmm, I'm falling asleep. Maybe I should stand up now and wash my face, brush my teeth, let the dogs out, put my pajamas on, and crawl underneath the covers.

10:00 pm: I'm too tired to do all that right now. I'll take a short nap, then get up and do all that, THEN go to bed for real. Set alarm for 15 minutes from now to make sure this happens.

10:15 pm: Alarm goes off for the first time.

10:24 pm: Alarm goes off for the second time.

10:33 pm: Alarm goes off for the third time.

10:42 pm: Alarm goes off for the fourth time.

(I could go on, but you get it, right?)

2:13 am: Wake up in a panic. Freezing. I am not under the covers, I am on TOP of the covers, and I'm so cold I'm shaking. I'm on the bed with all the lights on, face unwashed, birth control not taken, teeth not brushed, dogs not let out. I have breath like a small animal has curled up and died in my open mouth. My face is a sweaty, drooly, oil-slick. Titan has a wet spot under him in his bed because he's occasionally incontinent in his sleep when he hasn't been out recently. Lights all over the house are blazing away and I forgot to switch my laundry over.

2:40 am: Having taken care of all that, I crawl back into bed wide awake. I think: I could just get up. I have to get up in two hours anyway, right?

2:55 am: Toss and Turn. Set alarm for 4:30 am.

7:00 am: Wake up in a blind panic, already late for my meeting with my manager at 8:00 am. Call manager to say I will be late. Rush around the house doing everything. Leave at 8:30.

9:15 am: Roll into work almost three hours late. And the day only gets better from there!

My dear IIF's, I am not lying when I say I do this EVERY FREAKIN' NIGHT.

And in spite of all this, I got a raise! And I'm being promoted!

(Actually, the promotion is contingent on a Perfect Attendance Record. They're on to me.)

So, in the spirit of Doing Things Better, I Hereby Resolve to NOT DO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING:

1. Sit ANYWHERE on my bed without having done all night chores. (See above.)
2. EVER assume that "this time will be different."
3. Try to take a NAP at NIGHT!
4. Go to bed without washing my face!

I'll let y'all know how it goes.

Also, I need these tools:

1. An Alarm Clock for the Deaf. Shake me up, baby!
2. iPod Alarm Clock. Yes, I'm a sucker for commercials, and I want to start every day with AC/DC's Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution. Because I, too, want to Just Do It!

What will I do with two alarm clocks? Wake the hell up, finally. Maybe.