Jinxing It, or, the Socrates Method Taken To Extremes.
Once again, I have just dropped the LT off at the ferry to Bremerton after a long weekend.
It is interesting that two weekends ago, before my honorary nephew was born (YESTERDAY! WELCOME JUSTUS JAMES TO THE WORLD!), my last three-day weekend, I spent maybe half of it with the LT, and I worried at the end that I had spent "too much" time with him, if there is such a thing or even if I had any need to worry about such a thing whatsoever.
This weekend, another three day weekend, I spent almost every moment with the LT, waking and sleeping, with others and not with others. I took exactly two dog walks without him--maybe a total of an hour, maybe a little more--in a period of something ridiculous like 72 hours. And I didn't worry about that at ALL. Never crossed my mind that I was spending "too much" time with my boyfriend of less than two months!
Does that mean I've gained sanity points, but lost cool points? Independence points? No. It means: it's not the activities, or the amount of time you spend with somebody. It's the motive. Am I spending time with the LT because he is staying at my house and dependent on me for transportation because we are trying to be cognizant of the amount of gas we burn, seeing each other? Yes. Would it be ridiculous to send him to a bar or me to a bookstore, away from each other, just to comply with some notion that everyone needs their "space"? Yes.
Would it be completely different if I was making him stay because I was worried that if he wasn't seeing me, he would forget about me, or worried that he didn't like me enough, so I'd better keep him by my side so I could constantly remind him how cool I was, or so concerned about the state of our relationship that I needed his physical presence to reassure me? HECK yes.
Am I worried that if being insecure makes me desire his presence 24-7, that conversely, having his presence 24-7 will make me insecure? Heck. Yes. And can I say again: HECK. YES.
Is this irrational? Probably. *Looks down* Yep, still female, what?
Is this worry about possibly BECOMING insecure making me worry about jinxing things? Sure. Am I worried that it's been so good so far that the other shoe is about to drop? Yes. (LT, you don't ritualistically torture innocent cucumbers or anything, do you?)
Do I have to just keep on keeping on, and life (and the LT and I) will take care of itself? Yes! And that's one of the great things ABOUT life!
Is that something I tell myself often during a week in which I have gotten TWO speeding tickets, BOTH FOR EXACTLY 24 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT? Yes. Effin' Seattle cops. Am I eating the most crazy delicious soy ice cream ever? Yes. Am I still picking through it to find all the peanut butter parts? Yes.
Thank you and good night.
7 comments:
Good night to you, too! It was a great 72 hours, both those hours with you and those WITHOUT you.
I've told you before: I'm not perfect. No, no torture of innocent cucumbers; I do have occasional thoughts of dropping bottles and bottles of alka-seltzer outside my office windows and watching with a sardonic grin on my face as those god-awful seagulls silently blow their stomachs to smitherines in squaking bliss.
^^ Rest assured. You can drop as much alka-seltzer as you'd like. Birds are perfectly capable of burping and puking.
So aarwenn, I've just one question. How the hell do you still have a driver's license after all these tickets? ^^ kk, that's it.
Besides, isn't it a good sign that he's not scared away after being in your presence that long? *waves hello to l above, try throwing uncooked rice. Takes longer and you'll get more than just seagulls*
Boys, take it outside, you know the rules! This is a VEGAN blog!
LT: "Squaking"?
I can't be charged with lack of brain function when I don't get home until midnight, THEN have to do laundry/eat/shower. All because I had to watch some silly CSI.
Alex: I have to have SOMETHING to get me through the day, and they won't let me bring a slingshot down here. Now you go ruining my self-delusions...
And seachickens aren't animals, they're Devil Incarnates!
Sounds like someone's earning maturity points. *psst…if you stop worrying about becoming insecure you will probably not become insecure. It’s ok, let it go*
Cruelty to seagulls is wrong. Unless they poop on you, in that case feel free to poop on them right back :P
Yanno, I've been having the same problem here. And I gotta ask... What in the holy fucking hell is WRONG with us?
Yup, there's someone I actually ENJOY spending inordinate amounts of time with, and I don't get tired of him, and I'm not looking at my watch thinking of all the other shit I SHOULD be doing when we're together.
Clearly, there must be a problem, because there is always a problem. Know what the problem is? (And I apply it to both of us): We're idiots. Plain and simple. We are far too analytical, and need to chill out and enjoy it. That is all.
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