Taking Liberties

Listening to butt rock can really make a girl ANGRY.

What, exactly, is the optimum balance that any girl in my position must strive for?

On the one hand, I want to be one of the guys. Very much. I enjoy it when a guy says, to the room, "Fellas", and includes me. I don't expect chairs to be pulled out or doors to be held. I keep my baggage light, I don't wear heels I can't walk in. I work hard at shopping (gee, so difficult) so that I can look like a woman and act like a man--walk fast, hold my own doors, be ready to go at a moment's notice, and (most importantly for my job) be factory-appropriate at all times. AND look great. It's harder than it looks.

On the OTHER hand, it annoys me greatly when a man says, "Fellas", and I know he's NOT including me because he doesn't see me. Believe me, there's a difference, and it has nothing to do with age or status of the man.

It's cool when men vent to me about women. I enjoy it, because it means they're not seeing me as a woman--they're seeing me as a business partner, as any other guy they might vent to about their wife. I enjoy being talked to like a man. I DON'T enjoy being used as a face (or avatar, if you will) for the purpose of listing, loudly, everything that's wrong with my entire gender. That motivation is harder to call--it's a judgement call, like everything else. Is the guy bitching about women at B----- the way he would to any guy he worked with, the way the ladies on my vanpool bitched to me about the presence of young people at B-----, not realizing that I was a part of that group because they just saw me as their friend? Because that, believe it or not, is a good thing.

But is that guy bitching to me about women at B----- on purpose to intimidate me or insult me? In summary: was it accidental, or was it purposeful?

And if it's accidental, and I react badly, should I attempt to fix it? Or if it's purposeful, what the hell do I do in the face of such obvious malice? What if I've thrown the first punch, per se? Am I allowed to get mad if the seriousness of the banter has been seriously stepped up? If I've thrown stones at him personally and he's maligned my entire gender?

Once I talk to Mentor about something like work-appropriate clothing, is it appropriate for him to continually pick at little details like: don't talk so much, don't try to make yourself part of the conversation, don't fidget so much in meetings? MF, did I ask you to be my mother?

Sigh. La la la. Hot Boots I Just Bought.

And a side note to a man (NOT a coworker) who makes jokes to me about women who are endowed or not:

MOTHERFUCKER. The first thing I do, when I take up my leadership role in the New World Order, will be to enforce that men wear specially designed pants [Smartpants]. There will be a computer sensor in the crotch that measures the size of the penis and transmits that to the back of the pants, where the back pockets will be sized accordingly.

You girls know what I'm talking about. Why the hell must we advertise the size of our sexual organs when the guys don't have to? It's outrageous. I long for this day:

[guy approaches me in a bar]
Guy: "Hi, can I buy you a drink?"
[I raise an eyebrow.]
Me: "Maybe. Turn around."
[guy turns around slowly.]
Me: "BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! No."

And for all the guys: all is not lost! You'll be able to artificially enhance the size, and that artificial size will be read as "real" by the Smartpants, so you too can run with the big boys. However, when you get her home, the real size will become apparent. It's not like millions of guys the world over don't hate the Wonderbra for this reason. Time to even the playing field.

Smartpants and every other idea in this post, and indeed on this entire blog, is COPYRIGHTED, BITCHES!